The Talk
by Aurelia Faiza
Summary: Oneshot. Kazuya summons Jin to his office for a talk on an... unusual subject. Enjoy!


Helloo  
>Ok, I know I should be working on Loving Fighters, but I was watching Mean Girls a couple of days ago and was inspired to write this. Not the best, I know, but it's just a oneshot which people will hopefully find amusing.<br>This is... a little bit out of character, to say the least. And just assume both Kazuya and Jin are completely human.  
>I don't own Tekken, yadda yadda. Enjoy :)<p>

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><p>Jin knocked on the office door, glaring furiously at his father's name embossed on the pretentious bronze plaque at eye level. Why had he been summoned? What right did his bastard of a father have to have him forcibly accompanied at gunpoint to the uppermost floor of the imposing Mishima Zaibatzu headquarters? What was so important that he had to be subdued by the masses of armed soldiers working for Kazuya before being cuffed, blindfolded and flown from where he was staying with his cousin's family in Osaka all the way to Tokyo?<p>

He rubbed the red welts on his wrists from the recently removed handcuffs and glanced over his shoulder, pissed, at the hundred odd soldiers filling the corridor behind him, guns poised, ready to shoot should he make a wrong move. A familiar, infuriating voice called out "Enter!" authoritatively, and absentminded thoughts of otherworldly escape were forgotten as Jin turned the handle and pushed the door open as if it was his worst enemy before marching in and slamming it behind him, internally laughing at the sickening "crunch" sounding from the hallway. The sound of a man's face banging into hard oak and being crushed. Stupid man shouldn't have tried to follow him. A stand off between his father and himself was going to be between the two of them. Anyone biased towards Kazuya with a gun was not good for Jin.

The large, leather chair faced the window with a distinctive point of hair rising above the chair's back providing the only clue as to the identity of the owner of the room.

"Kazuya," Jin spat. "What do you bring me here for?"

The chair swivelled round and its occupant observed his son thoughtfully through mismatched eyes; he indicated to the chair on the other side of his desk, but didn't answer. Jin, disconcerted by his father's uncharacteristically nonviolent welcome, inferred his invitation to take a seat and did so slowly, suspiciously, never taking his eyes off the man in front of him.

"Hello, Jin," Kazuya began. "How are you today?"

Jin stopped scanning the room for booby traps and guns and trapdoors to stare openly at the older man, jaw hanging open unashamedly.

"You dragged me all the way over here to ask me how I am?" he asked incredulously, ignoring his father's amused quirk of the lips. "Here's the thing - I resent your existence," he snapped. "I despise your way of thinking. I hate our relation - as far as I'm concerned, we're _not _related." His voice rose as he grew more aggravated, exacerbated by Kazuya's clearly visible smirk. "If you're trying to establish some kind of relationship, you're wasting your time. I want nothing to do with you. If you're done, I'm leaving."

Kazuya watched his son stand to leave, storing his rant in his memory bank for a time when he might need cheering up. The boy was right; they _had _no proper relationship, but still - the permanently serene Jin Kazama practically throwing a temper tantrum was nothing short of hilarious. 'He must really, really hate me,' Kazuya mused to himself as he reached into the top drawer of his desk and pulled out a small object.

"Jin."

He turned from his position in front of the door, hand reaching out for the handle, in time to catch the silver package flying through the air towards him. Confused, he turned it over in his fingers. It took a full five seconds for his brain to recognize it.

"Do you know what that is?"

For the second time in as many minutes, Jin's face took on a shocked expression. He froze, incapable of moving or producing coherent words.

Kazuya nodded. "Good. Take a seat."

Jin's mind screamed at him to run and never come back. What kind of freak starts giving out condoms to their estranged son for no reason? However, curiosity refused to let him go and, against his better judgement, he returned to his recently vacated seat.

Kazuya leaned his elbows on the desk and watched his son over arched fingers, naughtily enjoying his son's obvious embarrassment. A pink flush has risen over his cheeks, and he huffed impatiently as he waited for his father to speak.

Kazuya cleared his throat. "Relation or not, there are some things you need to know. Soon enough, you'll begin to feel _urges_, and _strange feelings of attraction _towards-"

"Wait," interrupted Jin, unable to believe the cold-hearted bastard seated before him was giving him THE talk. "I'm twenty-one. You're only about ten years too late."

"Better late then never!" Kazuya snapped in response. "One of these days you might find a girl you like, who likes you, you'll go out for a few drinks, take it back to her house - and then what? Find you don't know the first thing about BEING SAFE!" He bellowed the last two words in his son's face.

"I do!" Jin retorted defensively. "I'm not completely innoce- whoops…"

"AHA!" screamed Kazuya, slamming his fist onto the desk. "PREMARITAL SEX!"

"What?" Flabbergasted, he leant back against the chair, backing away from his father's furious face. "It wasn't - I - it's not - I don't - hey! You can't talk about premarital -"

"So if it wasn't sex, what was it?" Kazuya interrupted.

"What?"

"Fine, I'll start out small, we can try to build up a bigger picture from there." He fixed the younger, confused man with an irate glare. "Who?"

Through his blind panic and bewilderment, Jin managed to raise a trademark eyebrow. "You really want to know who?"

"It is helpful."

"Uh…"

"COME ON BOY."

"Fine! Um, well I might have, um…" Feeling awkward and still wondering why the hell he was telling him anything, Jin cut to the chase. "Xiaoyu."

Kazuya inhaled sharply, surprised, but ploughed on regardless. "I see. And did you kiss her?"

"Um, yes."

"Did you touch her breasts?"

"…yes…"

"Did she caress your penis?"

Jin winced before answering. "Yes."

"So she does know what to do with one," Kazuya chuckled darkly to himself. "That's five bucks Irvin owes me…"

"What?"

"Oh, nothing," he replied dismissively with a wave of the hand. "Did you perform oral sex on her?"

"I don't want to answer this..."

"That means yes."

"Fine!"

"Did she do the same to you?"

"Ugh!"

"Yes."

"YES!" Jin hollerd, both embarrassed and perplexed. "Happy now?"

Kazuya shook his head slowly. "That's quite a lot you've done with Miss Ling."

"Hardly," Jin muttered, slumping in his chair, feeling like a twelve-year-old who's been caught doing something they shouldn't.

The older man studied him, thoughtful and livid, and goes into the drawer again, bringing out a -

"Cucumber?" Jin asked, a feeling of apprehension creeping up on him. Kazuya threw it to him, nodding, and Jin caught it deftly.

"If you're so knowledgeable about sex, you'll have no problem putting a condom on safely. I'd like you to demonstrate."

"No."

"Then you are not ready to be having sex. Do NOT, I repeat, do NOT ever have sex without using a condom."

"There are other forms of protection..."

"Yes, but this is more effective against… unwanted surprises. Like chlamydia and babies."

Jin brought his gaze up to meet his father's eyes, and he came back to the real world with a jerk.

"This is weird. I'm going." He stood and, dropping the offensive vegetable, walked resolutely to the door.

"No! Wait!" Kazuya panicked, reaching into the drawer yet again. Jin was beginning to hate the drawer and its ominous contents, and continued walking. "Have these pamphlets! They have everything you need to know! And have some more condoms! Come back! Come baaaaaack!"

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><p>The concept made me giggle :) I hope I executed it well enough to make it funny for you too!<br>If you find any mistakes - I'm sorry. I DID proofread, but my proofreading isn't the best. This was initially in the present tense, but it didn't flow as well so it's entirely possible, plausible and probable that I missed a few corrections when I went back and changed it all.  
>And remember - don't have sex. Or you will get pregnant. And die. )<p> 


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